Random thoughts for December 2012

I started a blog 3 years ago thinking that perhaps it would be a lot of fun. It truly was, but life gets busy and then you forget to type. So here I am almost 3 years later, and I am going to try again. I have been considering it all year long. In particular, I have been wondering if I openly discussed GOD in a blog, would it would force me to read my Bible more? Would it help me separate fact from fiction? And overall, would it strengthen my faith? Of course, I want to post a bunch of silly stuff too, but the deeper thoughts have been LOUD this year.

So what did it take to finally make me type? Some crazy mf -er going into a school and killing a bunch of people, mostly children. If you have not lost a child, you will never understand the devastation that just happened to those families. Their lives will never be the same, and they will never feel whole again. They have been given a life sentence. They will walk down the aisle of the supermarket and see their child’s favorite cereal and begin openly sobbing, and then feel some level of embarrassment that they could not control their emotions in public. They will never be able to predict what tiny thing, comment, thought, memory… will set them off.  They will never ever recover; they will just learn to walk again.

And that leads me back to my original intent in considering this blog again; to rediscover my faith in God. Because some of the families in Newtown will be blessed enough that their faith will help them to walk through this. Some will not. I fall into the latter category. I hated God a lot when I lost Macy. I still do some days, especially as I sit and wrap presents and wonder what her life would have been like 12 years later.  Would I be buying her a pony this year?  Would her laugh sound like mine?  Would her eyes light up when I walked in the room?

I wish I had the sort of faith that lifts you up and gets you through the tough times, but I don’t. Does that make me a bad Christian?  Or just a normal mother?  I must do one favor for those in Newtown or any family who has lost a child.  Don’t ever say to them “They are in a better place” or “God needed them more than you did.” I call bullshit on that. And I thank God for my pastor who told folks at Macy’s funeral that they were never allowed to tell me why they thought this had happened. If he didn’t know, then neither did they. YAY for Ray.

So what will 2013 bring? Stay tuned. I am about to find out myself.